Saturday, November 29, 2008

Rambling...and a message to Nathan

My niece, Brittnee, wrote a blog about boys and boy trouble recently…and it inspired me. I have been both amazed and horrified that the boy troubles that she has had at 18 are very similar to my own…at 33. Does this say something about the guys or about us? Surely, the guys…right? Bad men? Bad choices? Maybe a little bit of both?

No…actually the particular guy that I have in mind, Nathan, is not a bad guy. He has been making every attempt to make me believe that he is (maybe in an effort to make it easier on me to let go? Who knows?)…but truly he is not a bad guy…never was. He was just…as my friend Tina would say…“emotionally retarded”. Sounds ugly, but it is kind of true. Ha!

As many of my friends and I talk about love, relationships, men…we have said so many times…when did it become ok to be treated like crap? We are not talking full out mean, or abusive or anything crazy like that…we are just talking about how somewhere along the lines men stopped respecting women. Did we cause this? Did we start the trend by allowing men to treat us with less and less respect and sticking around…making it ok?

Do we make too many excuses for them? I will answer this with a resounding YES! Why do we do this? I say “we” because I am the queen of over analyzing and giving every excuse in the world for their behavior. I did this in my last relationship. Started out wonderful…as they always do…but then when real feelings started to creep in, I started acting like a complete idiot. Therefore, the beginning of the end. I see it. I know it now. Why is it that the second you start to feel something for someone all rational behavior is checked at the door? It is stupid and it made me irritated with myself…so I don’t blame his reaction.

Now, this is not about me taking full responsibility for the demise of the one relationship that I actually wanted to work. Let’s talk about his contributions. Why say that I am everything that you ever wanted only to take it back 3 weeks later? Why say that when you said that you were being more honest with me than ever…then tell me 3 weeks later that you did not mean it? That you felt sympathetic and said things that may not have meant? Then you wonder why I acted like a complete fool? I wanted answers? I wanted to understand. I wanted for you to tell me – not text me – that you did not care about me. Our relationship was very real to me and to believe that it was not real to you is bullshit. I was there when we were close. I was there when we talked late at night. I was there when you looked at me. I was there when you held me. If that was not real then you are one hell of an actor. I felt it. It was there.

So, if you ran a way because you were scared of the relationship then don’t run too far. I want to leave the door open to the day you realize that you were wrong and come back to me, but I can’t/won’t wait forever. Does it make me a fool for even saying that even at this point I want you back? Maybe. I know what I want. I now see what I had and I know what I would do differently if given the chance. What we could both do differently.

I have prayed to God to make it stop. To make the feelings stop. I have wondered why even after all of this time I still think of you every single day…despite all efforts to forget you. The only explanation that I can come up with is that there is a reason why you have not left my heart. Maybe you are supposed to be there. Maybe you are just holding your spot for when you return. Or….maybe it is to remind me of what I lost…to remind me to do it different with the next person. I don’t know today what the reason is, but despite not having heard your voice in 6 months….I can still hear it. Despite not having touched you in 6 months…I can still close my eyes and remember what your skin feels like. Why?

I do know that every attempt to find someone else only results in me looking at them and realizing that they are not you and having zero interest at that point. I have never been here before. I have never been in a place where I have not been looking for the next one. I was the girl that went from guy to guy. It was always easier to get over someone by seeing someone else. But this time, it is different. I have absolutely no desire to even be close to someone else. This is new territory for me and makes it so much harder to get you out of my head. I have tried. Believe me, I have tried like hell to make your memory go away, but it is there. Still very real. Frustrating as hell, but there is a reason for it. What am I missing? Why don’t you love me back? And if you did then why are you gone? And if you didn’t then why didn’t you stay gone? Why did you say the things you said? Why did you hold me close? Maybe I will never know, or maybe it will become so clear that I will feel stupid for not having seen it sooner. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I still love you. And I believe it was real to you too…so stop prolonging our happiness and come back. Let’s let go of the past and let go of our mistakes. Let’s give us a real chance this time. I would be just as terrified as you are….but I’m willing to take the chance to be strong together.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


Something someone said to me today...

Do you think you send conflicting messages? That you want This Kind of relationship, but what you bring to the table is something completely different, so everyone is confused? You want honesty, but you can't be honest? You want open communication but you can't communicate openly? You want to be close to someone, but you are behind a wall that no one could possibly scale because it's all guarded by dogs and crazy people? I think it was Dr. Phil that said "If you want to be loved, be loveable". Do you think you're loveable? Or do you think maybe you play passive aggressive mind games with men.

The answer...Yes!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Hanging out with 'I Don't Know'

I have not felt this way in years. Vulnerable. Scared. Not sure what my next move should be or if I should even make next move.

If I tried to put my feelings for Nathan into words...I can't. I have tried to analyze how I feel about him. Whether or not I should feel anything for him. Whether the feelings I have inside are right or I am just fooling myself. After my last relationship I question my judgement. I question my ability to know if what I feel is right. But at the same time the feelings I feel for him do feel so right.

I have never known anyone like him. And while I can't really say I absolutely know him since we were in the process of getting to know each other...I know him in the sense of how he makes me feel. When I think about one night we spent together it seems so right. One night he came over and we sat on the couch and just watched tv...well, kind of...we mostly talked and laughed with each other. He had me sitting in front of him and he looked at me. Really looked at me. He called me beautiful and I felt like he meant it. I hear all of the time how pretty I am...or beautiful, etc...but when he said I really felt beautiful. Coming from him it meant so much more. That night we sat in the bathtub together and talked and laughed. At one point he grabbed my hand and kissed it then winked at me. Those moments...those moments make me believe that I am justified in how I feel. You can't fake those moments. But then again...if it is real then why did he pull away from me? Why did he say he did not see this going anywhere? How is that even possible? How is it possible that I meet a man that I was not ready to meet...yet, he found his way into my heart. It seems that the moment I started to open up and let him in...he left. The craziest thing is that he has no idea how I feel about him. Sure, I have told him that I care about him, but that does not do it justice. I tried to show him many times with subtle moments...I tried to catch his eyes as we made love. I held him at night rubbing his chest or his back to show him how much I enjoyed being close to him. I sent him texts just to tell him I was thinking about him. Maybe I did it too much. Maybe I did it so often that it began to mean less to him each time.

I have tried to make a conscience effort to do the right thing. Not necessarily do what he wanted...but what felt right to me. If I wanted him to know I was thinking about him I would tell him in one way or another. If I wanted to see him I would ask to see him. Over the Summer he wanted to see me too. I cannot begin to explain how blessed I felt. But then he stopped responding to the texts. Stopped responding to the emails. He stopped responding to me. Why? I wish to God I knew. I have talked to God so many times and just asked Him to guide me in the right direction and every direction and every thought led me to Nathan. What did I do wrong? What did I do to push him away? Did I push him away by telling him how I felt? And if that is the case does that mean that he does not feel the same? I pray it means something different. I pray that it means that he is just scared. Scared of how he feels about me. Is that why anytime we got close he pulled away? That is something I can deal with . I can deal with him pulling away for fear more than I can accept him pulling away because he feels nothing. Should I have told him how I felt? Should I have been more open and honest about my feelings? Should I have told him that I think about him all of the time? Should I have told him that I read online about his football teams in an effort to know him better? Should I have told him that I think of ways or reasons to see him? I never told him that the Rangers vs Royals tickets I had were because of him. I specifically asked for those tickets to take him to the game, but I told him a friend just gave me tickets. Why was I not honest about that? I think more than anything it was a fear of being rejected. It was a fear of being told no. Which he did say. Although, he said the reason was work so I decided to believe that. Should I have told him that I was jealous that he went to a game with another girl...not because he went with a friend, but because it was something that I wanted to do with him. What would he say if he knew all of this? Would it freak him out? Would it make him smile? Would he realize the reason I stayed mostly emotionally distant was because of fear?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Cancer SUCKS

My sister's illness has taken a turn for the worst. The cancer has spread and the only other alternative is chemo, which the doctors have already said does not fight well against this particular type of cancer. Words have been coming out of all of our mouths recently that I thought (hoped) I would never have to acknowledge or even say. Words like...inoperable, terminal, death, heaven. Why? Why? Why? My sister is the most amazing person I have ever met. She is the most thoughtful and loving sister and friend. She is the mother that I pray to be one day. Why her? How am I going to handle the girls when she is gone? To even have those thoughts breaks my heart. The thoughts are necessary but extremely painful. I'm not ready for any of this yet.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

InterOffice IM Revelations

Ok, so I spend a lot of my day at work today chatting with my faithful friend Tina. She and I have been friends for over 10 years now (we used to work together-then didn't-then do again). She has always been my soundboard for relationships and has been there with me step by step through every relationship/break up I have ever had (as an adult). She knows me...and knows how I can beat myself up mentally when it appears that a current relationship is not going well.

I tend to blame myself and wonder what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? The hits just keep on coming. Well, in this particular confusing time for me in my current 'relationship' I needed her insight...I needed to see if she could make any sense of it...or if I had reason to be completely confused. Through our interoffice IM analyzing session we both came to a realization. She and I are fucked up! Not in a crazy, mental, psycho kind of way...just fucked up in how we allow past relationships to have so much power in current ones. Why? We have been conditioned for so many years by bad relationships. We have been conditioned to not feel entitled to happiness. It is like we wait for the bad. Never can just enjoy the good. When things have gone well with Nathan it is like the moment I find myself enjoying it and feeling comfortable this fear comes over me as if to say - "what are you so happy for? you know it will eventually end." What is that? Why can't I allow myself to enjoy happiness?

As I continued to chat with Tina I started to explain to her how this feeling me. Ever since I met Nathan things have just felt different. From the beginning. He seemed different then anyone I have ever known. He touched me -emotionally- different than anyone else. There is something very calming about him that feels like home to me. I know, that is so cliche' and cheesy but if I had to put it into words that is how I feel around him. He makes me feel content. Anyway, I started to talk about how things have progressed between us. I started to talk about how in the beginning we only saw each other like once a month. We did not spend a lot of time together but I knew I wanted to get to know him so I mostly initiated communication between us. Then at some point over the Summer he started to get closer. He made an effort to see me. He made an effort to talk to me. He showed me he cared. He has always been very honest about his feelings - he is just very careful about saying anything. He does not say a lot in the way of feelings but during June, July and into August he was IN. He showed me how he felt about me. Then school started (he is a highschool teacher/coach) and it slowly started to diminish. He then started to talk about how he was not ready for a relationship but that he cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to continue to do so and see what happens later.

Hmmm...what happens later. Well, what has happened is that we had an amazing time together on the 8th and I have not heard from him since. This does not piss me confuses the hell out of me. Did something change? Is he just so busy with football (small town Texas highschool football is a big freakin deal) that he is exhausted each night? Is it that he knows that he is not able to give me what I want right now so it is easier to cut me loose and see if our paths cross again later? Or is something wrong going on in his world? Well, I can understand the busy part but a quick email to let me know I still exist to him would be great. This would also work if he is tired. Now, if something wrong is going on in his world then why is he not allowing me to be there for him? Now, if it is that his feelings have changed and he no longer wants any part of this then...that truly makes me sad. But there is not anything that I can do about it huh? Have I mentioned that I have control issues? So, feeling vulnerable and scared and out of control do not work well with me. Which leads me back to my revelation about him and the reason he was brought into my life....(I tend to get off track...sorry)

Ok, this 'relationship' has challenged me in ways I have never experienced before. I am having to learn patience. I am having to learn that my happiness is not in anyone's hands but my own. When Nathan and I were not spending a lot of time together I was working, spending time with friends...doing my own thing. Then when we started to get closer I quickly found myself making everything about him. Nathan this, Nathan that. I don't want to go out tonight because what if he calls then I will want to see him instead. Everything became about him. It seems that when this neediness started he backed away. Not realizing the neediness because I have hid it pretty well from him I think, but when I have become needy then he has - for one reason or another-disappeared or distanced himself from me. Then I have to revert back to placing my focus on me. When I have done this in the past and felt comfortable in that place he seems to find his way back to me. Is it that God is testing me? It is that he is putting me in this place to realize that my happiness is/should be me? Is he trying to make me see that I don't need Nathan, but I want Nathan? Is He preparing me for the next stage in my life? So many questions without answers but what I do know is that I not only talk to God but I listen to Him. I have reverted back to old habits and behaviors from time to time but when He speaks to me, I hear Him. God brought him to me for a reason and I learn more and more about me each day because of him so I thank God for that. Where this is meant to go with Nathan still remains to be seen, but I do thank God each day that he was brought to my life. If for no other reason but to show me that there are still good men out there. Of course, I want this good man. Time will tell. So, until then I will keep trying this patience thing.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

My Favorite People

Texas Highway Patrol

Thank you to the State Trooper that pulled me over last night for only giving me a written warning. It was late, I was tired and the idiot in front of me was going 55 in a 65...yes, I was tailgating.

I was completely annoyed until the trooper came to my window and said the following...

"Good evening ma'am. The reason I pulled you over this evening was because you were following too closely. I worked an accident on this same highway 2 nights ago as a result of someone following too closely. I would hate to see the same thing happen to you. You want to give yourself enough room to get out if trouble is ahead of you." All of a sudden I was so less annoyed as I was surprised that this guy actually seemed to care. Who knows what he saw 2 nights prior but it was enough for him to take the time to pull me over to remind me of how unsafe it was. Maybe it was because he was a sweet little old man or maybe because he seemed to care, but either way I will think twice before tailgating again.