Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Hanging out with 'I Don't Know'

I have not felt this way in years. Vulnerable. Scared. Not sure what my next move should be or if I should even make next move.

If I tried to put my feelings for Nathan into words...I can't. I have tried to analyze how I feel about him. Whether or not I should feel anything for him. Whether the feelings I have inside are right or I am just fooling myself. After my last relationship I question my judgement. I question my ability to know if what I feel is right. But at the same time the feelings I feel for him do feel so right.

I have never known anyone like him. And while I can't really say I absolutely know him since we were in the process of getting to know each other...I know him in the sense of how he makes me feel. When I think about one night we spent together it seems so right. One night he came over and we sat on the couch and just watched tv...well, kind of...we mostly talked and laughed with each other. He had me sitting in front of him and he looked at me. Really looked at me. He called me beautiful and I felt like he meant it. I hear all of the time how pretty I am...or beautiful, etc...but when he said I really felt beautiful. Coming from him it meant so much more. That night we sat in the bathtub together and talked and laughed. At one point he grabbed my hand and kissed it then winked at me. Those moments...those moments make me believe that I am justified in how I feel. You can't fake those moments. But then again...if it is real then why did he pull away from me? Why did he say he did not see this going anywhere? How is that even possible? How is it possible that I meet a man that I was not ready to meet...yet, he found his way into my heart. It seems that the moment I started to open up and let him in...he left. The craziest thing is that he has no idea how I feel about him. Sure, I have told him that I care about him, but that does not do it justice. I tried to show him many times with subtle moments...I tried to catch his eyes as we made love. I held him at night rubbing his chest or his back to show him how much I enjoyed being close to him. I sent him texts just to tell him I was thinking about him. Maybe I did it too much. Maybe I did it so often that it began to mean less to him each time.

I have tried to make a conscience effort to do the right thing. Not necessarily do what he wanted...but what felt right to me. If I wanted him to know I was thinking about him I would tell him in one way or another. If I wanted to see him I would ask to see him. Over the Summer he wanted to see me too. I cannot begin to explain how blessed I felt. But then he stopped responding to the texts. Stopped responding to the emails. He stopped responding to me. Why? I wish to God I knew. I have talked to God so many times and just asked Him to guide me in the right direction and every direction and every thought led me to Nathan. What did I do wrong? What did I do to push him away? Did I push him away by telling him how I felt? And if that is the case does that mean that he does not feel the same? I pray it means something different. I pray that it means that he is just scared. Scared of how he feels about me. Is that why anytime we got close he pulled away? That is something I can deal with . I can deal with him pulling away for fear more than I can accept him pulling away because he feels nothing. Should I have told him how I felt? Should I have been more open and honest about my feelings? Should I have told him that I think about him all of the time? Should I have told him that I read online about his football teams in an effort to know him better? Should I have told him that I think of ways or reasons to see him? I never told him that the Rangers vs Royals tickets I had were because of him. I specifically asked for those tickets to take him to the game, but I told him a friend just gave me tickets. Why was I not honest about that? I think more than anything it was a fear of being rejected. It was a fear of being told no. Which he did say. Although, he said the reason was work so I decided to believe that. Should I have told him that I was jealous that he went to a game with another girl...not because he went with a friend, but because it was something that I wanted to do with him. What would he say if he knew all of this? Would it freak him out? Would it make him smile? Would he realize the reason I stayed mostly emotionally distant was because of fear?

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