Saturday, November 29, 2008

Rambling...and a message to Nathan

My niece, Brittnee, wrote a blog about boys and boy trouble recently…and it inspired me. I have been both amazed and horrified that the boy troubles that she has had at 18 are very similar to my own…at 33. Does this say something about the guys or about us? Surely, the guys…right? Bad men? Bad choices? Maybe a little bit of both?

No…actually the particular guy that I have in mind, Nathan, is not a bad guy. He has been making every attempt to make me believe that he is (maybe in an effort to make it easier on me to let go? Who knows?)…but truly he is not a bad guy…never was. He was just…as my friend Tina would say…“emotionally retarded”. Sounds ugly, but it is kind of true. Ha!

As many of my friends and I talk about love, relationships, men…we have said so many times…when did it become ok to be treated like crap? We are not talking full out mean, or abusive or anything crazy like that…we are just talking about how somewhere along the lines men stopped respecting women. Did we cause this? Did we start the trend by allowing men to treat us with less and less respect and sticking around…making it ok?

Do we make too many excuses for them? I will answer this with a resounding YES! Why do we do this? I say “we” because I am the queen of over analyzing and giving every excuse in the world for their behavior. I did this in my last relationship. Started out wonderful…as they always do…but then when real feelings started to creep in, I started acting like a complete idiot. Therefore, the beginning of the end. I see it. I know it now. Why is it that the second you start to feel something for someone all rational behavior is checked at the door? It is stupid and it made me irritated with myself…so I don’t blame his reaction.

Now, this is not about me taking full responsibility for the demise of the one relationship that I actually wanted to work. Let’s talk about his contributions. Why say that I am everything that you ever wanted only to take it back 3 weeks later? Why say that when you said that you were being more honest with me than ever…then tell me 3 weeks later that you did not mean it? That you felt sympathetic and said things that may not have meant? Then you wonder why I acted like a complete fool? I wanted answers? I wanted to understand. I wanted for you to tell me – not text me – that you did not care about me. Our relationship was very real to me and to believe that it was not real to you is bullshit. I was there when we were close. I was there when we talked late at night. I was there when you looked at me. I was there when you held me. If that was not real then you are one hell of an actor. I felt it. It was there.

So, if you ran a way because you were scared of the relationship then don’t run too far. I want to leave the door open to the day you realize that you were wrong and come back to me, but I can’t/won’t wait forever. Does it make me a fool for even saying that even at this point I want you back? Maybe. I know what I want. I now see what I had and I know what I would do differently if given the chance. What we could both do differently.

I have prayed to God to make it stop. To make the feelings stop. I have wondered why even after all of this time I still think of you every single day…despite all efforts to forget you. The only explanation that I can come up with is that there is a reason why you have not left my heart. Maybe you are supposed to be there. Maybe you are just holding your spot for when you return. Or….maybe it is to remind me of what I lost…to remind me to do it different with the next person. I don’t know today what the reason is, but despite not having heard your voice in 6 months….I can still hear it. Despite not having touched you in 6 months…I can still close my eyes and remember what your skin feels like. Why?

I do know that every attempt to find someone else only results in me looking at them and realizing that they are not you and having zero interest at that point. I have never been here before. I have never been in a place where I have not been looking for the next one. I was the girl that went from guy to guy. It was always easier to get over someone by seeing someone else. But this time, it is different. I have absolutely no desire to even be close to someone else. This is new territory for me and makes it so much harder to get you out of my head. I have tried. Believe me, I have tried like hell to make your memory go away, but it is there. Still very real. Frustrating as hell, but there is a reason for it. What am I missing? Why don’t you love me back? And if you did then why are you gone? And if you didn’t then why didn’t you stay gone? Why did you say the things you said? Why did you hold me close? Maybe I will never know, or maybe it will become so clear that I will feel stupid for not having seen it sooner. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I still love you. And I believe it was real to you too…so stop prolonging our happiness and come back. Let’s let go of the past and let go of our mistakes. Let’s give us a real chance this time. I would be just as terrified as you are….but I’m willing to take the chance to be strong together.

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