Ok, so I spend a lot of my day at work today chatting with my faithful friend Tina. She and I have been friends for over 10 years now (we used to work together-then didn't-then do again). She has always been my soundboard for relationships and has been there with me step by step through every relationship/break up I have ever had (as an adult). She knows me...and knows how I can beat myself up mentally when it appears that a current relationship is not going well.
I tend to blame myself and wonder what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? The hits just keep on coming. Well, in this particular confusing time for me in my current 'relationship' I needed her insight...I needed to see if she could make any sense of it...or if I had reason to be completely confused. Through our interoffice IM analyzing session we both came to a realization. She and I are fucked up! Not in a crazy, mental, psycho kind of way...just fucked up in how we allow past relationships to have so much power in current ones. Why? We have been conditioned for so many years by bad relationships. We have been conditioned to not feel entitled to happiness. It is like we wait for the bad. Never can just enjoy the good. When things have gone well with Nathan it is like the moment I find myself enjoying it and feeling comfortable this fear comes over me as if to say - "what are you so happy for? you know it will eventually end." What is that? Why can't I allow myself to enjoy happiness?
As I continued to chat with Tina I started to explain to her how this feeling felt...to me. Ever since I met Nathan things have just felt different. From the beginning. He seemed different then anyone I have ever known. He touched me -emotionally- different than anyone else. There is something very calming about him that feels like home to me. I know, that is so cliche' and cheesy but if I had to put it into words that is how I feel around him. He makes me feel content. Anyway, I started to talk about how things have progressed between us. I started to talk about how in the beginning we only saw each other like once a month. We did not spend a lot of time together but I knew I wanted to get to know him so I mostly initiated communication between us. Then at some point over the Summer he started to get closer. He made an effort to see me. He made an effort to talk to me. He showed me he cared. He has always been very honest about his feelings - he is just very careful about saying anything. He does not say a lot in the way of feelings but during June, July and into August he was IN. He showed me how he felt about me. Then school started (he is a highschool teacher/coach) and it slowly started to diminish. He then started to talk about how he was not ready for a relationship but that he cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to continue to do so and see what happens later.
Hmmm...what happens later. Well, what has happened is that we had an amazing time together on the 8th and I have not heard from him since. This does not piss me off...it confuses the hell out of me. Did something change? Is he just so busy with football (small town Texas highschool football is a big freakin deal) that he is exhausted each night? Is it that he knows that he is not able to give me what I want right now so it is easier to cut me loose and see if our paths cross again later? Or is something wrong going on in his world? Well, I can understand the busy part but a quick email to let me know I still exist to him would be great. This would also work if he is tired. Now, if something wrong is going on in his world then why is he not allowing me to be there for him? Now, if it is that his feelings have changed and he no longer wants any part of this then...that truly makes me sad. But there is not anything that I can do about it huh? Have I mentioned that I have control issues? So, feeling vulnerable and scared and out of control do not work well with me. Which leads me back to my revelation about him and the reason he was brought into my life....(I tend to get off track...sorry)
Ok, this 'relationship' has challenged me in ways I have never experienced before. I am having to learn patience. I am having to learn that my happiness is not in anyone's hands but my own. When Nathan and I were not spending a lot of time together I was working, spending time with friends...doing my own thing. Then when we started to get closer I quickly found myself making everything about him. Nathan this, Nathan that. I don't want to go out tonight because what if he calls then I will want to see him instead. Everything became about him. It seems that when this neediness started he backed away. Not realizing the neediness because I have hid it pretty well from him I think, but when I have become needy then he has - for one reason or another-disappeared or distanced himself from me. Then I have to revert back to placing my focus on me. When I have done this in the past and felt comfortable in that place he seems to find his way back to me. Is it that God is testing me? It is that he is putting me in this place to realize that my happiness is/should be me? Is he trying to make me see that I don't need Nathan, but I want Nathan? Is He preparing me for the next stage in my life? So many questions without answers but what I do know is that I not only talk to God but I listen to Him. I have reverted back to old habits and behaviors from time to time but when He speaks to me, I hear Him. God brought him to me for a reason and I learn more and more about me each day because of him so I thank God for that. Where this is meant to go with Nathan still remains to be seen, but I do thank God each day that he was brought to my life. If for no other reason but to show me that there are still good men out there. Of course, I want this good man. Time will tell. So, until then I will keep trying this patience thing.